World on Pause Button

Life dances with her shiny twinkled toes.
Madly round and round 

                                             ................a carousel.

The melodies play on a bitter sweet mode.

Lovely tinkling noise

…..….a murky brook.

They go around from mouth to mouth.
Words don’t matter much

.............sinking sand.

People have their colorful masks.

They say "I do"

                                                      .........they don’t.

Sitting on the cold park bench.

Watch the world go by

                                             ........…..a mad rush.

Felt you when I wrote the last line.

In white moonlight glow.

  ………..was sleeping.

Have the world on a pause button.

Coz my world is bigger

                                 ….than you can ever imagine.

For some romances last...even after they are over.

I'm saying goodbye even before I say hello.

Every time I am just walking out the door,

When I haven't even tried turning the key.

For it is only in my loneliness do I find you.

It's in the whisper of time that I hear you.

Softly brushing against my skin in light teasing,

Of memories--dark and light, sad and pleasing.

So many sunsets, twilights and open endings.

Drinks that burned the back of my throat,

Cannot even compare with the unshed tears.

For I am loathe to part with them,

Now that they're all I have left of you.

A lifetime is too little time to get over you.

And the reason is simple, I just dont want to.

Hoping that if one day on passing each other by,

You'll find it in your heart to smile once before I die.

It is indeed so hard to die when there's beauty around.

Dark shadows cloud my eyes-what's lost is once again found.

Burn

I am going to burn this town tonight.

Before the moon is high over yonder.

In the raging flames I shall find perverse delight.

Those orange flames will show my candour.

The ‘me’ that I’d lost and the one that you broke.

Like a thousand mirrors, they reflect your sins.

A thousand eyes look on the fires I stoke.

Ashes of dreams and rage-the inseparable twins.

And I shall see how you laugh today…

The moon will be red tonight, serenely murderous.

PS: Rage is powerful but very much like a katana, cuts both ways.

Passion

I have been fighting these tears--on the brink tears.

Fighting all the too loud questions and the fears.

It seems to be déjà vu all over for me again.

Just after flushed happiness comes the pain.

I’d said to myself a long ago that I wouldn't do this.

But here I am, betrayed by my latent wishes.

The questions stay bottled up inside.

Pounding my head; relief only when I’ve cried.

All the doubts in my mind are killing me.

What keeps you silent? When I need you to feel me.

Slowly a yawning hole is opening in my soul.

It’s only a matter of time before its shows in my eyes.

I hope you know what you want, no mistake.

Its only love that lasts, the passion pales in its wake.

When you’ve made up your mind, knock on my door.

But the door closes behind you, so you gotta be sure.

If it isn’t love, I won’t hold you to anything

But beyond this point, there is no going back.

Jaded Naivety

I got so tired of these damned clichés in my poem,

So thought of getting rid of every one of ‘em

What are rules made for, if not to be broken?

What is a heart made for, if not pieced apiece?

So I say: ‘what the hell, grab the moment and run free’.

There are things like deadlines, priorities and commitment.

And then there are things like strawberry wafers, things pleasant.

What are rules made for, if not to be broken?

What is a heart made for, if not pieced apiece?

I’m done with the ‘what if’s and the ‘why not’s.

So something’s gonna hurt. But you still do it anyway.

Coz it’s forming a part of now, tomorrow’s memory’s cachet.

What are rules made for, if not to be broken?

What is a heart made for, if not pieced apiece?

Giving free run to my imagination, the string-less kite.

And he made it so that we couldn’t even be friends.

And she’s become a candle that burns both its ends.

What are rules made for, if not to be broken?

What is a heart made for, if not pieced apiece?

So I am letting go of both, hope it gives them hell.

Not that I hate, not that I love; its just that I don’t care.

It had in actuality become too much of a burden to bear.

What are rules made for, if not to be broken?

What is a heart made for, if not pieced apiece?

Something’s remain unbroken, unfortunately perhaps.

Like hope for a new beginning, thinking things will be better.

Knowing most probably they won’t—tomorrow is today’s daughter.

What are rules made for, if not to be broken?

What is a heart made for, if not pieced apiece?

What is life if not spent on foolish naivety?

Shooting for the moon

Its been a long time that I have seen stars in the sky,

This thick grey cloud clogging up the city nighttime,

Hiding so cruelly all the precious diamonds in the sky.

Or is it that the cloud is in our minds, fogging brains?

Of materialism, of egos, of cunning, of always wanting more.

A disease permeates our generation—shooting for the moon.

And shoot some people who stand in your way too.

Where friendship is obsolete, its all professional here.

Black coats, black trousers and blacker hearts.

Its been a long time since I saw the sun set over the Ganges

But I still see corpses floating down everyday.

Only this time, its not just decomposed dead bodies.

It is the stench of decaying decadent souls.

"Sapne"

Aaj fir humara ek sapna toota.

Sapney to toot te hi rehte hein.

Aur hum bhi unke sang bhikhar te rehte hein

Nadan yeh dil jane sapne kyu dekhta hein?

Aap hume chor kar itne door nikal gaye...

Aur socha ke hum wohi pe rah jayenge?

Hum un me se nahi jo roye aur bhul jaye.

Hum un mein se hein jo hanse aur yaad kare.

Zindagi ke iss safar me kitni choti si zustajoo thi,

Hum ko pata bhi nahi chala aur khatam ho gayi.

Par jo bhi thi, bohot pyari si thi, thi bari hanseen.

Ab agey kya hoga woh to hume nehi pata,

Zindagi aansoon se kahan rukti hein?

Jo humare liye na ruka, hum unke liye nehi rukte hein.

PS: Forgive mistakes in Hindi, not very well versed in it. This came naturally in Hindi, I dont know why. So I wrote it down the way it arrived in the world.

A Chance Meeting with You.

It’s funny how you and I are alike in our vulnerabilities.

We actually have the very same debilitating disabilities.

And yet we are so very different at the same time.

You are a guy, and I mere woman; so feeble I’m.

While your eyes blink and you have a nervous stance.

I sit there with barely an eyelash batting, lost in life’s dance.

With hands as steady as rock that lifts up the glass.

I look into the eyes of your mind—you know I trespass.

Yet inside I am screaming too, just like you are.

I don’t have the permission to speak, its just bizarre.

And true to myself not a word passes my lips, I feel dead.

Not numb, dead, like something’s gone away, has bled

And it’s never going to come back ever, gone forever

I wish I had a rock to stand on today, when everything’s a blur.

But how can I forget I am my own rock, cruel Irony.

As I dash against myself, its me cutting myself vainly.

Like always…

For Jazzy

I dreamt of your little innocent face last night.

I saw you taking your laborious gasping breaths,

I shook your lifeless body again and again.

Countless times (and I tried to count) in my dreams

Hoping against hope that you came back to us.

But you had already gone onto a better world,

Leaving a little hole where you had occupied,

My heart and ours for one whole week.

You are not forgotten and you will be loved.

We hope that your sojourn to the after-life,

Is filled with pink bows, milk and kisses

And maybe the fishes you never could have.

dance of life

I want to go dancing tonight—

Maybe on the clear drops of dew,

That the night arrays on the grass.

Under the moonlight when it’s cool and dark

Or maybe on the cobblestones without shoes,

Feel the cool round stones make love to my feet.

Hearing the music of my heartbeats,

As I silently dance the night away.

Or maybe on the beach where the waves hit in ripples.

To the rhythm of the roar of the sea.

Hearing the tap of my moves mark the mighty sea.

Or maybe in the storm when the rain beats fast.

To the changing moods of zephyr and wet with thunder.

Pincushions Etc.

Why is it that when you hand your heart on a platter,
They think that its just the thing to use as a pincushion?
And its such a pain later to sit and take each pin out.
One by one, with nary but a sigh allowed to escape.
All this and some hit me when I was in mode introspection.
That in this day and world there is no place for affection.
And so, I am cynical of my abstraction.
And bored of being called an aberration.
Disenchanted with the word called love;
Merely a word, apparently denoting a treasure trove,
Of emotions so flighty that they are a myth.
So I am giving up on this business forthwith.
From this moment forth my heart shall bear a sign:
"Keep out,  Trespassers prosecuted on crossing this line".

Insomnia

As the night rolls on, turns midnight blue.

Blanks stars one by one; they were too good to be true.

Catching stars with fishing lines seem flimsy.

Seeing dreams with open eyes is just another whimsy.

And as dawn breaks horizon with its shattering golden light,

Lending to the dark soulless night daily sight.

Sleep has hidden a tired weary soul in its gossamer veil.

Dreaming with closed eyes; dreams of any other kind seem to pale.

And when the sunlight tickles my eyelids with her playful rays.

Eyelashes hug each other; fervently wishing nights were its days.

Battling a losing fight, squeezing my eyes tight shut.

Demanding the rather lovely dream not be so cruelly ‘cut’.

But all good things come to an end, and repose is finally lost.

Blank Noise

The red string has snapped at last.

My boat is docked safe in harbor now.

Rubbing my slate clean mind-numbingly slow;

Looking with eyes of stone on the setting sun,

Wondering when the next storm is about to come.

There have been too many things to deal with lately.

A crazy crazy time, life’s been a turbulent sea.

My head is speaking a language I don’t understand.

So I rest safe tethered to the dock now,

And here I shall stay till the noise dies out.

And I take leave...of my senses that is.

Has an increasing hysterical urge to laugh and cry

And swing on the inter-galactic pathway from here

To heaven; not that you should think I am high.

I am just out of my mind.

So I shall now take leave,

Of my senses too that is.

So can I sit down and do some normal stuff?

Are You done with your stupid silly games?

If You weren’t God, I wouldn’t be so polite.

Wouldn’t ask twice.

Need to clean my act.

And my cupboards too.

Wants to knock on God’s head and see what goes on.

Is he having a good laugh while I am swinging on?

I hope to God He is, coz I don’t feel like laughing much.

At least someone should laugh,

At any given point in time.

Me thinks I want ice cream.

"The Japanese Wife"-Some thoughts

I saw this sublime movie after ages and I couldn’t not write about it.  I had read the story by Kunal Basu and had been touched. The movie brought an entirely new dimension to the story I must say. I had a few issues with the timeline and some extra elements thrown in here and there, but other than that the treatment was breathtaking. The cinematography probably is the first thing that jumps to the mind; I had thought of the story in a slightly darker shade when I was reading the book as is my wont. But the movie is brilliant in its pictures, poetry on motion film I would say. The character sketch of Snehamoy, Miyage and Sandhya were done with restraint and remarkable finesse. Rahul Bose especially did a fine job of shedding his persona and becoming the slightly obtuse and introverted Snehamoy. Chigusa Takaku, the lady playing Miyage(meaning gift in Japanese) was the very personification of innocent feminity and fleshed out an improbable character like Miyage very well. Now most of the people I talked with (including family members) did not understand why I cried while watching this movie, and I could not understand how the poignancy of the movie could have failed to touch their hearts. Obviously to some the story seemed ‘improbable’, and I completely understand their view-point. But the fact is that in this age of fast changing relationship statuses and materialistic needs, this movie brought a much needed fragrance of old world charm. Though the L-word was not mentioned even once in the movie, the love that the two principal characters shared was evident…you don’t need to demonstrate love to feel it, you don’t need to even want it in return…Things that I have felt for long. Not that love is not entirely giving and free of possessiveness, as brought out by Miyage’s letter to Snehamoy where she tells him that she understands he has physical needs and would not stop him from satisfying them, BUT she would not take him back either. I don’t know why, but that kind of reinforced the fact that the marriage between these two was very real. Also, the parallel plot of the widowed Sandhya and her son, Paltu brought into relief the very worldly affairs that Snehamoy had sacrificed without a second thought for his marriage. People want to procreate, that’s how God has made them and it is a natural need of men and women to leave behind progeny. Not that Snehamoy was the only one; Miyage sent him kites on their 15^th Wedding Anniversary, saying that if they had a kid he would have learnt to fly kites by now. So a certain amount of thought HAD gone into the issue by the characters. Their devotion was what touched me; the ‘forever type’ where one waits for the other no matter what. I remember this particular scene where Snhemoy gets down from a boat escorting Sandhya from a shopping trpi across the river, he being his kind and attentive self, but the moment Paltu runs upto him and tells him ‘Japani Kaki-r Chiti eseche’ (Japani Aunt’s Letter has arrived), the way Snehamoy’s face lights up and he grabs the letter leaving behind Sandhya tiptoeing over the hard stones without a second glance…if someone holds your heart, there is no place for anyone else even on the distant horizon. Not that it is only about waiting and not living their lives, both did that. That seems a bit improbable to me even, but then I am the ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ kind of person. Coming back to the topic of devotion, the way Snehamoy took a leave from his teaching job to visit different types of doctors to find a cure for Miyage’s cancer and the very fact that he caught an illness from getting drenched in the rain and ultimately dying of it is so other-worldy…so much sacrifice? The last scene where his body was floating away on the boat in sepia as he had promised Miyage he would come to her in death, superimposing the image of Miyage looking at the items she had gifted him—basically seeing herself everywhere in his room—is sublime. The scene where Miyage comes at last crossing the Matla with people staring mouth agape at her, with her white sari and shaved head was heartrending. A case of too little, too late. The imagery I have already talked about, but the metaphors were awesome too. There was this scene where Snehamoy is ill and dying, the windows are shaking and it looks like his very soul is rattling the windows to be free from this world…the light in the lamp is growing dimmer with the rush of the wind..and I could almost feel the life ebbing away. Not that it was easy for the character, he imagined Sandhya’s hand to be Miyage’s on his forehead..talk about the ironies of life. Also where the Japanese fighter kite blows away in the wind, it kind of symbolized the moment of weakening in Snehamoy’s character—as if a part of his resolved was slowly but surely floating away. On a happier note, the accents of both Snehamoy and Miyage were delightful, especially where Miyage calls him “Senomoy” in her lilting Japanese accent. It is a movie full of yearning and yet filled with a quiet determination and hope. Personally speaking, it brought to end a chapter in my life and gave me a minuscule amount of peace.

“Tired of being a strange misfit in this stranger world,

I don’t want to be the puzzle in the piece which doesn’t belong.

I want a piece of this blue sky all for myself,

I want a bit of this cool rain to wash my thirsty soul.”

 I now sit with my pen poised over the book of my life, ready to write the next chapters….

Scent of the roses.

Remember me as the flower you plucked,

And not the one who you trod upon.

Though the scent of the roses becomes stronger.

The dew that fell in the early hours of the morning

Has dried up, shriveling some petals here and there.

The scent of the roses swirl in the maddening wind,

As petals slowly drift away, in a sorry slow motion.

The scent of roses has become so much stronger,

When you trod so carelessly upon the very flower.

Crushing the petals underneath your foot,

But woe the scent does not die and fade.

When I come home

When the sky turns pink and orange,
The river swells its angry bosom.
The wind dances to its own mad tune,
Whirling leaves and dust merrily like dancers.
The trees nodding their heads to the invisible tune.
The cool wind lifts my hair, lifts my very soul.
Dousing out the fire within--a kiss of peace.
When the rains lash the outskirts of the city,
Rippling waves on grass and water alike.
As the wind rips and the water washes.
Tears flow free finally and I come home.

Retail Therapy

I took a walk down the sale,

I didn't like what was on offer.

So I tripped and traipsed all along.

And when the day is over, the mix of colors and light.

In the shopping bag, does not fill up the hole in my soul.

With all the psychedelic thoughts in my head,

Bursting like stars in the atmosphere of my brain.

Trying to capture the sun in my mind.

For one star-burst in my head will make it alright.

And getting one is so goddamned hard.

I laugh deliriously with the jokes and the crisis.

Pieces of paper once so important dont measure up

Coldness in my fingers or is it my wallet?

Strong Heart

"The world breaks us all, and afterwards some are stronger in the broken places"

                                             -Ernest Hemingway.

Everyone of us have bad days--when we feel like we cant wake up and make it through the day.Whats important is not that we go through the day like a rockstar, but we pull on our clothes and shoes.Get out of our beds and make it through, and whatever maybe broken inside will heal.But be thankful to the God who gives you another day to deal with. You get a dream, an ambition to fall in love with. A cloud to chase or dreams of building your own home one day. I dream of having my very own puppy, any breed will do. I saw a puppy being mistreated on the streets today, wish I was a stronger person to protest more soundly. Maybe I shall adopt a puppy off the streets, maybe two. On that note, something needs be done about tigers in India..Only 1411 left! Is that a number even? Join the Aircel initiative, I know I have.

Also do you know of anyone who has faced conflicts head on and survived..someone who needs assistance for further studies, you might want to refer them to the The Strongheart Fellowship

Till then I shall work on making this heart a stronger one, big enough to deal with problems and strong enough to shelter others in it.

Do you have a strong heart? If you do, cheers to you!

Lessons of Life

10 Things I learned about relationships..the usual type:-

1. Never be with a person who does not appreciate your tears- Life is not perfect and neither are human beings. We will all break down at some point of time or the other,and its then that companionship and acceptance matters the most. A person who thinks you are manipulative just because you are crying, has got some serious problems and should be avoided at all costs.
2. Never let anyone make you feel inferior- If anyone wants to make you feel competitive with people of the same gender in their lives, first look within yourself for any insecurities. Then try and understand the basis for those insecurities. More often than not, if you were not suffering from paranoid jealousies before with anybody else(eg-parents, friends' attention), there is something wrong in the way your partner is treating you and you are hitting back in the most primal way.
3. Dump a flirtatious partner at the 1st instance- When your significant other is making twinkly eyes at someone who is not you, RUN!!
4. Integrate yourself into the family- If the family does not accept you easily, try. If the family does not accept you even then, keep trying. If the family is constantly degrading you: read last word of 3.
5. There's no breaking the glass wall- If at any point of time, you feel like you have hit a glass wall with the other person & it only needs a lil trying on your part to make him/her to see your point of view--truth is he/she has already chosen his/her own point of view. If you can compromise and live with that without regrets, do and if not: read last word of 3.
6. Do not give of yourself completely and unconditionally-You are just thought to be cheap. I know it sounds contradictory to what the ideal of love ought to be, but thats the way it is!
7. Distinguish between friendship and flirting- Related to point 3. But this refers to yourself rather than the other person. Never give up your friends whatever sex they belong to, no matter how much your partner pesters you on this point. However that does not mean, you can walk holding hands or ride shotgun with hands all over the place.
8. Careful if its not public knowhow- If your partner is not comfortable to making your relationship known to people, be a teeny bit careful. Not only because it signals not all izz well with him/her, but also because however good/justified a reason he/she may have for not doing so, you will ultimately feel like the loser.
9. Quit if its making you sad/depressed all the time- Relationships are a part of life, if contented & fulfilling it can go a long way in enriching the life experience. But if its not, it can drain all the energy and happiness out of you making you feel disheartened. It makes sense to quit because the whole point of being in a relationship with someone is that you want to share some special moments/something with another.
10. A relationship takes two-Enough said.

Heartbreak Valentine

One minute of silence please.
For the death of my love.
One moment of silence please.
Need to pick up my heart from all over the floor.
One timeless moment of silence please.
Need to wish my tears away.
A minute of your time please.
Before this memory washes itself away.

Devil's Own

When the rest of the world epitomises purity.

I embrace darkness in all its glory.

When they worship light and all thats bright.

I worship darkness and all it's blight.
When the rest of the world wants to be an angel.
I end up being the devil's own.
From a Sarah to a Judas, what a change indeed.
From radiant white roses to wrists that bleed.
Its a game I play with the rest of the world.
Thick and fast when the accusations are hurled.
But when I rest in my Hades at last,
Snow would touch me with its white frost.
God will judge me for what is the truth.
Until then I will be the Devil's own.

Taste of a Woman

Tears that are salty,

Music that scalds the mind.

Kisses that are sloppy,

Poesy that I cant find.

Laughter that is irreverent,

Tears that are hot.

Love that is fleeting.

Lectures which I heed not.

Words that tug at my mind,

Fear that is omniscient.

Anger that I cant find.

Anxiety that grips my throat.

Leaving behind a girl most whimsical.

Becoming a woman nevertheless is liberating.