Luck by chance--Musings of a tired soul

I have lost myself and found myself…time and time…over again...It seems after many a day I am re-discovering myself...and its been a painful process because this time I’ve been aware of myself, my body, the existence of my soul and the sharp pains within it. Not that life is all a roller coaster ride down-hill…there have been moments of joy in it…in fact the happy moments though small and difficult to come across are precious and gimme the strength to go on when life is blue. I know my life is not going to be easy, it’s going to be boring and monotonous and very very lonely. But I’m reconciled to the idea that in a few years time I will have to live alone in a small apartment [if not a PG] in a strange city in India, working [hopefully the recession will not affect my chances at a ‘good’ life] in a ‘good’ firm, getting a modest amount of salary and basically surviving on my own. It’s a bleak future to look forward to, but at least there is one! Going to the fish market to buy regular supplies, commuting by public transport, cooking my own food, watching TV in the evenings for recreation and countless other things which I shall need to do on my own, absolutely alone—is the stark reality which faces me today. I am a little daunted by it, a little depressed too—I have to admit. But life is life and we need to face up to it. I’m growing up and shedding my cocoon. I have responsibilities to myself, to those who have given me a lot…an obligation to them who have made me what I am today. I cannot sacrifice my all even if I want to…and want I did. For a few moments I had thought that life will be a bed of roses, a dream come true… a happy life in a distant land. But that is what it was—a dream. You can put it down to my childishness and the day dreamer in my soul but I really believed it would all come true one day, even though I tried to deny it to myself to protect myself from the disappointment of not having my expectations fulfilled. I always believed that every person is a caterpillar waiting to become a butterfly. I thought that one day I too shall shed my shell and become a beautiful butterfly…but when the time came to search for my wings, I realized that it is one of the many mirages that life shows us. It’s only the cocoon that ever accompanies us and we are always so eager to get rid of it…I wish I could become a child again and enjoy the cocoon while it lasted. But I don’t have any regrets today… I dreamt, I lived, I loved and I gave it my all. Whether life works out for you or not is dependent on Fate. Life is after all “Luck by Chance”.