Luck by chance--Musings of a tired soul

I have lost myself and found myself…time and time…over again...It seems after many a day I am re-discovering myself...and its been a painful process because this time I’ve been aware of myself, my body, the existence of my soul and the sharp pains within it. Not that life is all a roller coaster ride down-hill…there have been moments of joy in it…in fact the happy moments though small and difficult to come across are precious and gimme the strength to go on when life is blue. I know my life is not going to be easy, it’s going to be boring and monotonous and very very lonely. But I’m reconciled to the idea that in a few years time I will have to live alone in a small apartment [if not a PG] in a strange city in India, working [hopefully the recession will not affect my chances at a ‘good’ life] in a ‘good’ firm, getting a modest amount of salary and basically surviving on my own. It’s a bleak future to look forward to, but at least there is one! Going to the fish market to buy regular supplies, commuting by public transport, cooking my own food, watching TV in the evenings for recreation and countless other things which I shall need to do on my own, absolutely alone—is the stark reality which faces me today. I am a little daunted by it, a little depressed too—I have to admit. But life is life and we need to face up to it. I’m growing up and shedding my cocoon. I have responsibilities to myself, to those who have given me a lot…an obligation to them who have made me what I am today. I cannot sacrifice my all even if I want to…and want I did. For a few moments I had thought that life will be a bed of roses, a dream come true… a happy life in a distant land. But that is what it was—a dream. You can put it down to my childishness and the day dreamer in my soul but I really believed it would all come true one day, even though I tried to deny it to myself to protect myself from the disappointment of not having my expectations fulfilled. I always believed that every person is a caterpillar waiting to become a butterfly. I thought that one day I too shall shed my shell and become a beautiful butterfly…but when the time came to search for my wings, I realized that it is one of the many mirages that life shows us. It’s only the cocoon that ever accompanies us and we are always so eager to get rid of it…I wish I could become a child again and enjoy the cocoon while it lasted. But I don’t have any regrets today… I dreamt, I lived, I loved and I gave it my all. Whether life works out for you or not is dependent on Fate. Life is after all “Luck by Chance”.

The Pink Letter

I dreamt of the letter again tonight

As the sun came in with its rays so bright 

I stretched out my arms for what is mine 

The pink letter of my countless dreams divine

I try and try to peep in inside, catch a glance

To see what you have written only for me, if I have a chance 

It’s got flowers and lovely ribbons on the outside 

It makes my eyes go a love-struck surprised wide 

And then I see it’s not a letter at all but a beautiful pink card 

With birthday wishes and the lovely handwriting of a feminine bard 

It’s not mine at all, not my name anywhere at all…

Neither in the ‘to’ nor in the ‘from’ 

But there’s the touch of a female form 

I look away in my dreams, unable to bear the pain 

I had been so presumptuous, was so vain. 

Peeping into the past or the future is not my business 

So I shut up and look at the present dizziness 

As days and nights meaninglessly whizz past us... 

I just stay numb and wish that the pink letter was mine. 

But neither have you cared enough nor have I 

It’s been a relationship of convenience from the very start 

I know you’ll say me saying this hurts. 

Good news is that I don’t dream of it anymore 

But the truth doesn’t set you free, 

It just binds you to a greater degree.

Entwined

The little waif checks her image in the mirror a little nervously

She starts walking up the rickety stairs slowly, softly, surreptitiously!

As the wooden floor creaks underneath her light weight,high heels.

She rings the door bell, and so sets into motion fortune's wheels.

The long awaited moment has come at last,when she shall be freed.

A nice little bargain she had struck with the man who had the greed.

The greed for flesh and lust for love entwined.

With no wedding vows nor promises of undying love.

He kissed her lips for he hadn't had enough,then made love.

Gnawing at her slim wrists with a slimmer blade.

Joyous Blood oozed out as turbulent Life began to fade.

She had dreamt of dreams in an unseen heaven,

He found in her lovely corpse his secure haven.

And as her breaths started slowly fading away.

She gave him a white rose for peace to light his way.

He dipped it in her red making it more priceless than a ruby.

She kissed his lips a final time and smiled like a white lily.

He closed her eyes and stuck it in his pocket nonchalantly.

[PS: Nothing personal...Just musings on a random evening]

Perdition

Inhibited Rage fills my mind..

My soul screams for perdition..

Words have stopped...

and I feel trapped..

God please please let me out

--Is all my mind screams.

But there is no divine revelation.

Only blank silences and monologues

With me as its only audience.

Gibberish words making sense to none

Headless images swirling but doesn't fix on one

Poetry has bid a bloody sweet kiss for a goodbye

And the finer emotions are singing their own lullaby

Life has become an euphemism for a senseless rout

As I try to recover from each nauseated bout

Whats wrong..Whats right..Am i going through puberty?

But thats a laughable option coz I'm twenty!

Blankness eats away at a part of my soul

Redemption would come only with something novel

A little piece of heaven is what everyone wants

I want the chaotic Pandemonium of Perdition

For there this rage would be released from its inhibition

And I would pass onto the hellish heaven of mine

Steely Sphinx

I am free, I am bound to thee no more.
Oh, you world of selfish reasons.
So many dreams, beliefs and aspirations
Of mine have you engulfed within your molten core.
What an irony,the molten core has no heart.
Its all red lava with not an iota of emotion.
It makes men of steel and steel of men.
All your sinful piety appeals to me no more.
I've had enough of you and your self-glorious ways,
It's my time now,to move on and assert myself.
Not in this steely world as you would want.
But in my private sphere where you aren't allowed.
You might pester and plead,but oh!You foolish one,
The place you lost once cannot be blackmailed from me.
I'm over and through, I am just so bored of you.
Your tricks and your whiles don't appeal anymore.
And you ain't even a mystery worthy to be solved.
'Coz you are just a sphinx with no charm at all.
Just another dementor wanting my soul.
You can have my body,you can have my mind.
But believe me this promise I made to thee.
As long as the wind enters the stairways of my hell.
I shall prevent thee from corrupting my mind.
You shall cheat no more from me a part of my thoughts.
And make castles of thin air with the "stories" I just told.
So be pleased with your jealousy and self-glorifying ways.
This my final adieu to you my dear friend-"Happy Plays".


PS:when i say good-bye i really mean it...people are rid of my mind and heart forever as if they never existed at all..this poem says goodbye to some-one.

Silent Reverie

In a silent reverie,I go on with weird life.
Hoping and straining my ears for the sound of a strife.
I just need to hear a sound,the sound of your voice.
A few moments of fleeting joy in the vanity of a day.
The tide comes and washes away from my eyes the muddy clay.
Its time to labour,a time to be patient.
A time will come when I'll be with you again.
Till then wait is all I can do,knowing that-
as the warm fingerprint ebbs away from the cold steel.
The pain gnawing at my heart will find recession too.
This life is so dull and insipid-no glorious joy.
But there's a hope that I'm going to meet my sweet boy.
So when you read this oh u passer-by,stop and think.
Know that this has been created of a patience unsurpassed by a wink.
Dont lose what you have,by thinking what what you dont.
I committed that mistake and ever repeat that?I wont.
I'm waiting now for a chance to come my way again.
And this time I know time wont be spent in vain.
Not that time was of no use these days.
I knew you a lil more,and loved even more.
You got to see me from closer and we grew up.